i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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