Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
