No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
