i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
