if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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