They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I need to calm my uterus...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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