Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
