Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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