my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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