Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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