I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
