i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
