yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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