fuck your aforementioned shoe
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
