The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think people are normalizing furries
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
