hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
