How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
