i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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