If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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