hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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