FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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