Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
