I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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