If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
