I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
