I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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