I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
