News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
