Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
