There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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