see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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