you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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