Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
