perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
