I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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