I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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