I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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