there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
