after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
PS: I just woke up from my shower
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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