It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
