so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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