i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
