I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
