One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
