I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
