If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
