Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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