Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
