Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
