the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
