I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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