Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
